After watching the 20th congress, I'm in a political depression.

People my age often fall into the hole of anxiety. Unfortunately, this follows a pattern mixed with the blindness of youth, temptation from the outside, and self-destructive thoughts about personal well-being.

After wandering on Twitter for the whole day, I’m frustrated and feel no hope for the future. The helpless feeling is surreal, just like what I experienced in March lockdown about half a year ago.

The latest list of committees has been settled. I’m not in it, but that doesn’t matter. It is relevant to everybody’s life in China. And the thing is, after Xi collects all the power he needs, he will transform freedom into the void. Or maybe start a war. So do not become an affiliate of the warhead. I want to leave again.

As a Chinese, You are often not allowed to think. This tradition passes over thousands of years. Because China has been pretty closed for centuries, knowing more sometimes means more danger.

Not only your parent tells you to “leave them alone,” but your colleague, friends, and even your teacher will also consistently tell you to “mind your own business.”

“Sometimes not thinking that much is a huge blessing,” they said.

I start questioning the rightness of my country when I’m in junior high. And that never stops. From then, I began to know more and more about the common-known history of my own country, the great famine, the cultural revolution, and the riot in 1989 at Tian’an men square.

From then, I started to dream about democracy. I’m a peaceful man who never likes to start an argument. This is partly because the strict management comes from my parents, and soon I found this saves time and effort. So when I got tired of my parents’ doctrine, I decided to leave home. And now I’m 1,000km away from home. I’m still not satisfied. And dissatisfaction means “It’s time to leave again.”

But leaving a country is not that easy. I still have families to care for. They sure don’t hope I go too far. To them, my leaving is not because of their wrong way of parenting but my long-lasting puberty. And I’m not the one of the kind skilled worker in my area, which means finding a job abroad is harder. Not to mention the language barrier. It seems impossible.

When I came to Shanghai, it seemed that I had a plan. But I don’t. The idea is to escape to a habitable place and live well. But the more I stayed, the more I found this place was not my final destination. So sometimes I thought, maybe I won’t find any place as my dream destination, but that does not mean that the path is not worth trying.

It seems these are nonsense and unrelated to the 20th congress, but it is. This is just another pain I want to avoid when I find myself trapped in a comfort zone and see no progress for an update for myself for a long time.

Now, the 20th congress as “bad news” strikes my bubble. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or not. I look down at my phone, and there’s a Tesla order I just placed yesterday. It seems that everything on track has been disturbed. So now I have to choose between starting again or ignoring the natural world and living in a bubble.

After I left home, I cared a lot about politics. Nobody in China talks about them, but I care so much that it is becoming a part of my life. But I gradually realized caring would change nothing. In front of one of the most substantial economic entities, one man’s will and power are like a drip of water to a desert. So meaningful but hopeless.

I defend the right of the coward but praise the worriers; the people who dare to make a change in this country today are real heroes. But that won’t change anything because Chinese people have been oppressed for so long, even after the great famine, which makes the chance to start a revolution so small to be caring. And as an individual, a people with his mind and a particle in the universe. I decide to leave.

And this time, with the depression and pressure, worries and caring, loving and hate. No turning back.